So....

Things have been a "little" stressful lately. I have had so many emotions from relief that their truly is something wrong and they can fix it to anxiety to depression to fear to a wee bit of denial to calm....any emotion you can think of I have had it. On top of this, my poor sister is on bed rest trying to wheedle out more time in her pregnancy for her little baby boy, Bryce. We are each doing the very best we can to help each other, but each of us has a number of limitations at this point. Kind of funny because I keep nagging her to sit down and relax and she keeps nagging me to stop falling and not get on step stools. Together our abilities are about 2/3 of a person.
I went to the neuro-surgeon yesterday. While he has the credientials of being the best and brightest, no one could call him warm and fuzzy. And that is okay. I have warm, fuzzy, sweet and genius with my GP, I don't need it with my neuro-surgeon. I need genius, decisive and experienced. He seems to be these things.
Harry is having a difficult time with this. Some things became more apparent yesterday during that appointment that we had not thought about as much and that we can now see is something that has been happening to me my whole life. Poor Harry loves me so much that to him this should be fixed NOW! However, now is on the doctor's time not ours.
I am kind of relieved about that. Yes, I want to get this fixed. Yes, I am in pain and am suffering but I have been really feeling like I need time. Time to get things ready, time to get things in order for life after my surgery(ies), time with baby Bryce, time with Julia, time with my family.....just time.
The appointment was interesting and definitely different than what I had anticipated it would be like. I thought I would go in, the doctor would come in and say, "Okay, here is what is wrong and here is what I am going to do to fix it.". Instead, I met with his assistant first (I think he is being groomed to take over at some point, not sure though) who put me through reflex test after reflex test and walking tests (by the way, good thing I don't drink because I could NEVER pass one of those DUI walking tests, apparently...which I mentioned to the assistant and he agreed...no DUI tests for me!) and lights (he was very interested in my left eye) in the eyes tests. He asked me a lot of questions about this and that and suddenly in my mind's eye patterns began being seen.
Yes, I have numbness in right leg, yes my right arm is the one that is going numb the most, yes I am completely deaf in my right ear, yes my right foot has the most numbness......yes I am falling a lot, yes my reflexes seem slower, yes my walking has changed, yes my neck hurts, yes I am getting headaches, yes I have a few other symptoms...yes maybe sometimes occasionally rarely I have to think about swallowing........
Then the assistant doctor/professor came back in with my neuro-surgeon and he began doing a few of the same reflexes tests. One really particular thing stuck out to me on the reflex tests. He made me sit, relax my legs and feet, and then just as the assistant did he took my left foot (while I was not allowed to look down or at him) and took a pen and ran it up my foot. He did that two or three times. Then he did it with my right foot and kept saying to his assistant, "Did you see that? Do you see that? See that? The other foot splayed this one didn't. Do you see that?" Then he told me he is very unhappy with the quality of my MRIs and that he is going to have me do all new ones of my brain, my neck and my back. He also said that I have stenosis of the spine in my neck, but all dwarfs have that. Then he said, "You have stenosis of the foramen magnum.". That kind of stopped my breathing for a second. I said, "Everything I have read talks about the babies, I can't find anything about adults.". He told me that is because it is usually found before this. I wasn't too surprised by this but I never wanted to hear him say it. So more MRI's on the horizon....and he wants me to lose weight. Okay. I will do my best. I will try. I will. If it will help me heal faster and have better results I will do my best. Not easy, but I will do it.
Basically, after this long story, I have neurological damage because I have had foramen magnum stenosis my whole life. This has been something that has been showing little symptoms my whole life and now I can look back and see where there were little signs of this through out my life. We just didn't know. The doctors treated the individual symptoms not the whole picture.
I have done as my sister has asked and not looked up any of the reflex tests or the results online. I also have not looked up what neurological damage means online because Amanda knows me and she knows what is best for me regarding this and I trust her. If I need to know something, someone will tell me. Which is usually not at all my attitude, but I don't have the time to waste freaking out. I am realizing, okay, I have been living with this my whole life. Nothing has changed except that now I know, now I am having more symptoms, now I am going to be treated by my neuro-surgeon. Life will be okay, maybe not perfect all of the time (and really who's is?) but it will be okay. Doesn't mean I am not crying occasionally about all of this, just means I know eventually it will be okay.