I may not be blogging as much as I was when I did but I am slowly getting better. It is October and I am excited to watch the leaves change color as I enjoy a Wisconsin fall. The trees are changing, the deer are foraging in the backyard and I am anxiously and excitedly waiting for my first time sledding! Here in Wisconsin they get enough snow to actually sled. Why I had no desire to do this in Chicago, Utah or New Jersey I do not know, but I am truly looking forward to it. I cannot wait to take fly down a hill at umpteenth miles per hour with the wind in my face! Prepare for the pictures, there will probably be many. You know me and pictures, we go together like hot chocolate and whip cream. 

     I've started working with the goal to get my own apartment and support myself. This will be the first time I have ever lived completely on my own and I am rather looking forward to doing things the way I want without worry about pleasing someone else. There are times I am scared and I worry, but overall the feeling is one of excitement. I sometimes worry about having times of loneliness but I tend to find things to do rather easily and this is a time to find out how to be happy without depending upon another. My best friend and her family are generously allowing me to stay with them as I get on my feet and I will forever be grateful. Sometimes her simple confidence in me is so reassuring above all else. She is an inspiration to me in so many ways as she's had to find herself after losing much in her life.

     The place where all the magic happens for work. You can not say that my love of school/office supplies is not finally coming handy! Lucky for me, my best friend has the same addiction. :) 

    Of course change does not come without sacrifice. I miss the kids so much during this time. I am used to seeing them everyday so going from that to nothing is extremely hard. I miss them daily. 

     Some of the daily sights I see while looking in the backyard. So peaceful.......

I've never been a person who takes adventures solo. If I was going to be brave I'd do it with someone else. I've never lived on my own and supported myself, I've never approached a guy and given him my phone number, I've never ridden a roller coaster alone....you get the picture, there are a lot of nevers on my list of never done alone. 
So driving from Texas to Wisconsin alone was something that intimidated me slightly. What if something happened? What if I got a flat? What if???? However, on Friday I packed up my car at 6 o'clock in the morning and after a couple of setbacks set out to drive 17+ hours alone on a new adventure. I thought I'd be able to tackle the whole trip in one day but after 12 hours on the road I was getting kind of tired. I was wired from the trip, the junk food, the many kind calls and emails checking on me and my progress, but overall, I was getting tired. So I stayed in Des Moines, Iowa. Des Moines definitely has a small town feel to it and I loved getting to relax in my suite and get some sleep. 
On my drive I had so much time to just think. Think about if I was attaining the goals I am striving towards, if there are other things I should be focusing on, if I staying true to who I am always, if I am being the kind of person I want to be. I also got to be silly and sing at the top of my lungs to some of my favorite songs while sipping on orange soda (throwback from my childhood) and eating a little bit of junk food. What good is a road trip if you can't eat a little bit of junk food???
One of the things that impressed me was the just amazing beauty of the trip. I saw cows sunning themselves, rolling hills, deep valleys, forests, plains, farms, people, rocks that had years of traditions of being spray painted on, wind mills creating electricity, and much more. I tried to take pictures from my car driving umpteenth miles per hour out the window but most did not turn out as well as the one above. I am so happy that one turned out well because I really liked seeing traditional red barns and silos. 
I've made it safely to my friend's home, I am embarking on a new adventure alone, and I am doing my best to do all that must be done. I am so grateful for friends who love me. I am missing people in Texas but here is where I need to be for now.           

     So much in my life has changed just even from the beginning of the year with the past post. At the time I was learning more about myself every day and finding that in order to find my lifelong happiness there had to be changes. Unfortunately transformation often does not come without some growing pains on your end and on those whose life your change will impact. No matter how hard you try to keep the pain to a bare minimum, people get hurt. My marriage was steadily growing less and less happy and more and more angry. At some point you have to either alter the direction of growth or accept what is and do your best at learning to be happy OR do your best to fix what is broken within you. For me, the best thing was to allow each of us to find happiness elsewhere. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made and causing someone pain is something that is even harder to live with.

     While my marriage concluding has been the biggest change there have been others. I moved and have lived with my sister for a bit. I am going to Wisconsin this coming week, preparing and accepting more change. I had surgery and had my gallbladder removed. I am now a changed body without that organ. J The kids are growing so fast that sometimes when I have not seen them for a few days I am shocked at how big they are when I see them again. Julia has become a healthy, happy, losing her baby teeth, bi-lingual seven year old whom each time I look at I see the newborn I held and sang to. Bryce is a four year old adventurous, loving, bundle of energy. Each day he reminds me how daring children are at this age. Lauren is constantly learning, constantly surprising us and constantly giggling as most two year olds do. She brings laughs everyday as she contemplates and enjoys the world around her.

     I vowed in the last blog to become more diligent in my blogging, but then I do not think I could have. I had too much to repair that I could not express. While I shy away from making a promise of blogging daily, I do promise to blog more frequently. I need to record the kids’ lives and to record my own as I embark on new adventures. Life changes and we need to change with it……..

I haven’t been blogging much. Facebook seems to have taken over the world. Why blog when my friends get a glimpse into my life almost daily? My mom pointed out to me recently that you blog not for the glimpse but for the story that the glimpse doesn’t reveal.

My life since Abby’s death has been up and down as life is wont to do. Harry and I miss Abby every day and occasionally bring up adopting another dog to fill the hole that is missing in our hearts not having Abby here. So far, we have decided to hold off on that venture.

My family has been struggling mightily with health issues. It started with my mom being diagnosed with colon cancer. Cancer is such a scary word and your mother having cancer is even scarier. While we have the most amazing step-father in the world who to us is our father, three of us are not in contact with our biological fathers. One has passed away and two have chosen to remain out of our lives.

So when your mother tells you she has cancer you first are scared for her and what this means and then even as an adult you become scared of being left all alone in this world. Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. No one else in the world has that expectation, except them. Losing a parent means losing someone in your corner, someone who created and understands you on a molecular level. After her successful surgery to remove said colon cancer I had laparoscopic gallbladder removal surgery. Due to it and a few complications I had to withdraw from my classes for the semester which was a real blow to my self-esteem. However, before I could even begin to concentrate on that my mom was then diagnosed with kidney cancer which eventually also revealed a lung carcinoma. She has had several surgeries, several complications and continues to be in and out of the hospital. The crazy things are that first, these are all considered curable, surgery removable cancers. Second, if you’re going to get cancer, get these. Third, she had THREE primary cancers at the same time. No metastatic cancer.

My families while being fairly large in size, in every sense of that word both population and figure wise, has been extremely lucky that we really have not had to deal with much disease or death as a whole. Our grandmother, the matriarch, Nena, has also been undergoing some health issues that now makes her need to be on oxygen on a continuous basis. It has been an eye opening, heart rendering time.

So I haven’t been blogging. I haven’t been doing my passion of taking pictures. I have not journaled Lauren and her wonderful life or how Bryce is the best boy in the world or how Julia is the smartest kid around. I haven’t told you about how Harry has had to have a stent placed in his artery. I have not spoken about how Rocky has tried so very hard to take up the mantle that Abby has left and how I have come to appreciate his constant presence. I have not spoken about the struggle of school. So, I am not promising anything, but I am going to try. Try to journal more often. Take more pictures not with my camera phone, which is horrible, but with my actual camera. To tell you the story behind the picture that made me grab the camera in the first place. To show the kids in all of the glory, both great, fantastic and sometimes even not so fantastic so one day they can look back and know that their aunt and uncle loved them to pieces and loved every single thing they did.

A few things about the kids: Julia is an avid reader and reads beyond a first grader in both English and Spanish. We are so proud of her. Every day she learns something new and can carry on the most intelligent conversations with you. Bryce is the snuggliest, cuddliest three year old boy around and constantly tells me “Aunt Kim, I love you. You're my best friend.” He loves to climb, hug his sisters, eat candy and play cars. Lauren has the best laugh, an ever growing vocabulary that her brother and sister work hard to expand, a wicked bite when she wants something, a scream that could wake a hibernating bear, a kiss that is always sloppy and sweet and a closeness to Amanda that is beautiful. 

Our Abby passed away this morning after a valiant fight with cancer. We will miss her tremendously. I will post something more appropriate for her amazing self and life.

Being a sister and having a sister are pretty awesome blessings.  I have been incredibly blessed to be a big sister to four amazing individuals who made and still make me a better person.  I am also blessed to have them.  Lately I have been noticing that my sister’s and my similarities in adulthood are becoming more and more apparent.  We each often burst into song.  It is the way we are.  We are singing folk.  J  What really amazes me, though, is despite our age difference we end up singing the very song the other one is thinking.  So one of us will start singing and the other will join in.  It’s a lot of fun.  I look at Julia when she is with Bryce or Lauren and I see that sibling relationship developing.  That unbreakable bond that was formed in childhood for me and my siblings from fights, holidays, struggles and fun together.  The one where you are so alike it is amazing but you get on each other’s nerves when you are younger. 

I read once that the sibling relationship is the longest relationship you’ll have in your lifetime.  They know you better than anyone else.  They relate to you better than anyone.  They understand you better.  They are you and you are them.  At the time it sounded so very co-dependent to me so I tried to dismiss it.  Obviously, I didn’t completely forget because I have remembered it all these years later.  As I have aged I have figured out that your past, who you were, who you are and who you will be is safe with them.  There is no pretense because let’s face it these are the people who also remember the most embarrassing things about you and can recall them in detail in a moment’s notice. 

I am grateful for my brothers and my sister.  I am grateful that I have shared life with them.  I am grateful that my sister has blessed me with her babies and allows me to love them with all of my heart.  I am grateful that I get to watch as Julia, Bryce and Lauren develop their sibling relationships and love.   

CHRIS

     

AMANDA

ADAM

ME & BRYAN

     Amanda and I have been discussing recently how raising children is much like Groundhog Day. The kids wake up and you wake up, you change diapers, remind older ones to go potty, get breakfast, clean off table, clean off kids, dress children and brush their hair, take child(children) to school, clean dishes, play in playroom, change diapers, play outside, turn on PBS so that you can clean house, make lunch, change diapers, eat lunch, wipe off kids, clean off table, play in playroom, pick up older child(children) from school, play at playground or in backyard, make dinner, change diapers, serve dinner, talk with family at table, clean up kids, clean off table, play in playroom, start bath, bath time, pajama time, story time, bedtime for two oldest, youngest takes nap and wakes up for her alone time, try to study for class, play with baby, diaper change, feed baby, take a bath yourself, put baby to bed, go to sleep.  Same routine next day.  Errands can break up the monotony but they must be stealthily planned because you have plural children and there are nap times, food, distance, health, etc. to take into consideration.  
     Among all the chaos of bath time, food preparation, family time and 586 daily diaper changes there are these amazing nuggets of time that you get to see and have with each child.  That you watch as a baby's personality begins to shine through.  That the oldest begins reading by herself.  The middle child talks 200 miles a minute and you understand every word he says.  You have a conversation with them.  They talk and express themselves and how they feel.  You watch them show their love for each other and you.  
     It's between these nuggets, though, that the hard work is grueling.  That you are tired.  That if that child or the children asks one more time for dessert or a toy or a movie one more time you may lose your mind.  That if one child hits another child because they had the toy that the one who hit wanted and the one who got hit should have intuitively known that you pray to not lose your mind.  Those are the times you question your sanity.  Why did I have more than one child?  What was I thinking?  
     Then, though, you get a nugget.  That baby says, "Mama" for the first time.  The oldest plays with a younger sibling while the younger one is crying to make them laugh so you can just finish what you are doing quickly.  One child tells another that they love them and hugs them.  A child comes up to you and says, "I love you.  You're the best momma/daddy/aunt/uncle/friend I've ever had."  Or they all fall asleep peacefully, stay asleep without nightmares or drinks needed and you get sleep.  Blissful, continuous sleep.
     Those are the times you treasure, you cherish.  Even some of the difficult times become more meaningful because it builds a bond that will be forever.  That child knows no matter what you are there.  That nothing will stop you from loving them.  That you are a forever family and that is all that matters.  
     Normally when I post pictures they have been edited and they have been scrutinized and made perfect.  I am going to post some outtakes that mean the most to me.  Old and new that haven't been posted.

Bryce, Harry & Julia

John, Amanda & Julia

Julia, Lauren & Amanda

Bryce, Julia & Lauren

Julia, Bryce, Lauren & Amanda

Bryce, Lauren & Julia

Bryce, Julia, Lauren & Amanda

Bryce & Harry