It is amazing how much my emotions are so up and down. I don't know how to get them to stabilize to where I feel safe, comforted and secure. I had a blessing on Sunday and while it was amazing it actually increased my anxiety, I didn't even know that was possible!!! I have a fear that I will not make it through all of this. It is a nagging, frightening and discomforting thought. I know that it could be a result of just who I am and the fact that I always tend to fear the worst.
It could be that I could get through this with flying colors and life could be better than I have ever experienced. My fears, however, are a bit justified. Dwarfs don't always do well with surgery, especially major surgery. Anesthesia is a major issue for us. These type of surgeries are dangerous for us. Having surgery on your brain, near your brain or your neck is never a comforting thing. I know there are millions of people who every year have surgery on their necks and all is well, I am hoping and praying I am one of them.
Through all of these emotions I have begun wondering how does one say goodbye? How do you look at those you love so dearly and would do anything for and know that life will continue for them but you won't be there with them. How do you make it easier for them all the while you in your head you are praying, "Please, no!". While playing with Julia last night there was a moment where I almost lost it emotionally. It was such a small, simple moment. She got on her rocking horse and began singing "Dun dun dun dun dun don da...dun dun dun du du du", (closest way to spell for me the lone ranger theme music). I always sing that while she is on her rocking horse and she was doing it. Something so simple that I have done during her life and she does it now too. How do I find peace if I have to leave that and that I won't get to watch her become an amazing woman and a mom?!? Watching Harry sleep last night I tried to think how do you leave the one you so deeply love and share your life with, your best friend, your everything? How do you ever say goodbye? My sister is my best friend and I cannot imagine not growing old with her, Harry and John. Watching Julia and Bryce grow up into amazing people because they had her and John as parents.
On Thursday I go in for about four hours of MRI's from the top of my head to the bottom of my spine. I will then see my neuro surgeon and I believe he will finally lay out his plan of action. Hopefully, The Man can bring me some comfort and I plan on asking a lot of questions. I need to know what I need to prepare for and what life will be like after this or these surgery(ies). What he is expecting, what he is planning on doing, etc... Until then I will do what my blessing said and just continue doing what I am doing, preparing my life.
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