Today has been rough. Really, really rough emotionally. I definitely have my ups and downs with everything that is happening and will be happening. I go through periods where I have complete terror to times of calm.
I have been having some arm pain in both arms for the last two days which doesn't sound like that big of a deal but even just holding the phone up to my ear has been painful. Then, three days ago the top part of my left foot where my three toes are became numb and has not come back. I know, I know, it seems like no big deal but big picture wise it just continues adding more pieces to the puzzle that is my back and neck.
To top it all off, John Wolin, the man who wrote the article that I posted two days ago....I found out he passed away in 2006, which I knew when I posted it, but I found out he died during surgery. Neck surgery. Which set off my fears all over again. Many dwarfs have died in surgery over the past few years because of anesthesia or complications from the surgery. Surgery of any kind is kind of terrifying. Surgery where they are going to be in for a large amount of time, messing around with my spine, skull and brain....well, that goes beyond terrifying.
I just keep thinking I am not ready. I'm not ready. I am not ready to say goodbye no matter how brief it is to anyone. I am not ready to be without Harry. I am not ready to not grow old with Amanda. I am not ready to not watch Julia and Bryce grow up. I am just not ready. I am not ready to miss Adam and Bryan get married and have babies. I am not ready to miss Casey and Jenna at their weddings. I am not ready to miss the big or little things in life. Even the tedious. I don't know how else to put it other than I am not ready.
So today has been rough. I am hoping tomorrow will be better emotionally. I am definitely having a lot of fears but I also know that I have to have these procedures or I am going to have to sit around and watch myself lose ability after ability, function after function. I know millions of people have back and neck surgery all of the time and come out with flying colors. I just wish it wasn't me.
1 comment:
I wish that I could be there to hug you. Get a blessing. And know that I am praying for you.
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