Temporarily Me

I have been debating with myself for a long while on whether or not I should let you guys in on a personal struggle I have been having for a few years now. I decided that I would talk about it because I think sometimes sharing with others can help yourself but also may help someone else.

For the past few years I have been suffering from panic attacks on a regular basis. It started one day while I was at work doing my job and thinking about the weekend coming up. I was wondering whether or not I would be able to travel to Dallas and see Harry and my family. The next think I knew, I was ready to pass out right there. I thought I was dying. Literally. I borrowed a cell phone from a good friend, ran out of the building and called my sister since she is a nurse. I told her I felt like passing out, that I thought I was dying, my chest was hurting, etc... After being on the phone with me for awhile she thought that maybe I was having a panic attack. I wasn't so sure. I was pretty convinced I was having a heart attack.

Well, through the years I have figured out there really are two VERY strong triggers for me. Tornadoes and the fear of a heart attack for me or for my husband. I have been to the emergency room a couple of times convinced I was having a heart attack. I have gone to a cardiologist. A top rated one. My heart is fine. My most trusted doctor has looked me in the eye and promised me that I will not have a heart attack anytime soon. But give me a twinge and I am freaking out. Put a tornado watch anywhere near my area (heck, my state) and I lose it.

It got to the point where all of my doctors, all of my family and my husband told me I had to start going to a counselor. When your doctors start weighing in on it, even your brand new ones who barely know you, you might need to listen.

My doctor has put me on routine anxiety medicine as well as situational anxiety medicine, i.e. I take it as soon as I feel a panic attack coming on. Through the years my panic attacks have gone from lasting for a few minutes to hours or a whole day or night with physical illness. So though I was hesitant to begin medicating the problem that I thought I could fix myself, I do take medicine for it. I also take a sleep medicine to help my mind slow down and be quieter so I can sleep. After a sleep study we discovered it takes me on average 324 minutes to go to sleep. So no wonder I was sleepy!!!

I have found a counselor who is beginning to help me during the panic attacks as well as begin dealing with many things, he told me I am OCD. I thought he was wrong until he described key points that were true about me. Especially the inability to stop constant thoughts in the back of my mind. I have constant worry, constant repetitive worries, constant thoughts. My mind is never quiet. It is a tough road. I asked him one day if I will ever be released from this prison and he told me he didn't know. I may never stop having panic attacks or constant thoughts that trigger the panic attacks but the way I react to them, the way my mind and body react to them will change as I learn to deal with them.

I am learning a lot about myself. The way I handle stress, the way I address situations, how I deal with people and a myriad of other things. It is good for me. It is also hard. I just keep thinking that somehow this is the key to my cell and it will hopefully one day help me to escape.